08 November 2021

I did not

found written in my moleskine, january 10, 2021:

I did not squander today
though it felt like I did
I woke up at eight, then coffee
put myself together
showed up for the first virtual book club
felt vulnerable for an hour
fixed myself a real breakfast
something something quiche, cara cara orange
showed up for virtual church
talked, even though I didn't know folks
then, communion
baked a batch of cinnamon rolls
tried to wake ezra up before noon
reveled in the pretend fire
that can be turned on with a remote control the size of a pack of gum
cat napped on the couch
showed up for another zoom
books with my friend joel--
joel from england
called ava, made plans
bundled up, walked to the library
noticed things--
face mask
returned two books, picked up one
the complete collected poems of lucille clifton 1965-2010
walked home, noticed things--
face mask
came home to that almost lovely
fake fire
that lives in the fireplace 
collapsed on the couch
contemplated writing
pulled together dinner instead
read poems by rita dove instead
dozed off while
the makeshift casserole
warmed in the oven
cleaned the kitchen
tried to listen to a rebecca solnit book
realized I might not be
an audio book person
made a mental note to remember
something she said about 
how present you are when you are lost
helped ezra with his essay
then, dinner
then, couch
then, book
then, cleaning
then, the feeling that inevitably comes 
at the end of the day
that squandered feeling