today I am 42

and so this year, I'll be wishing for a little bit more of the brighter. not so much with the faster but just a little bit more of the brighter. 

details

I get lost in the details. of a shoot. I could spend hours on the small things. completely lost myself in this montessori classroom while the kids were out on the playground. it's a good feeling. it's why I do what I do.

and people, if I could start life all over again, I think maybe my first order of business would be to enroll myself in a montessori school. this one in particular.

hello december

hello christmas tree, hello house that smells like childhood. hello december. I am somewhere between wide open arms and wishing I could skip you altogether. am living squarely in the space between. but you're here, december. and there's really nothing I can do about it. what I can do is pinch sap off the ends of christmas tree branches, wear it like perfume. eat clementines, make salted caramels. set out the little forest, jump on the couch with the kids. celebrate the birth, sing the songs. and ride the waves, ride all the waves.

big fat sack of yes

my brand new very occasional part-time gig: filling in for lovely erin over at lodekka (the 1965 double decker bus turned vintage dress shop). I'll tell you, I really sort of love it. and so does my camera.

number seven

number seven off the list and no small task, my friends. fifty-seven undeveloped rolls of film from years 2000-2006. or earlier maybe, who knows? some are labeled, some aren't. I'm telling you, this is it. no more messing around. they're all getting developed, every last roll. and I'll be sharing the best ones here.

thanksgiving day

the day was a bit of a blur. but a beautiful one. happy thanksgiving, friends.

and we're brining

the truth is that I'm 41 years old and this is the first year I've roasted a turkey. on my own. things got off to a bit of a rough start (thanks in part to yesterday's minor grocery store meltdown) but we're back on track. turkey= currently in fridge brining. BRINING. I don't think I even knew what that word meant up until a few days ago. I've heard the word thrown around but people, cooking is not my thing. I do just enough to get by. thus, I do not know words like brine. but the nice lady working the meat department suggested it (as did a hundred other people on the internets) and now I think I want to brine everything. mostly so I can say the word brine.

thankful

thankful is the word over at words to shoot by. thankful for these three amazing people. also, thankful to be able to photograph them with some pretty amazing instant film. 

you totally should

again with the vinyl stickers. always a good time, always.

you totally will

written by a seven year-old ava five years ago as part of this secret mission, saved and promptly taped to the bathroom mirror. five years of looking at it while I wash my face and apply various fancy-like moisturizers. while I brush my teeth and pretend to floss. while I inspect my face for any and/or all flaws, notice new lines and imperfections. five years and still, it lifts my spirits. it helps me remember.

and on a somewhat related note: this made me happy.

this might be

my favorite polaroid. that I have ever taken, ever. my favorite photograph of ezra, ever. because all I did was follow him down the street, SX-70 in hand. I did not ask him to wear the hat, did not tuck the orange plastic water gun in his front pocket. I did not tell him to turn and look at me through binoculars. it's just who he was in that moment. ezra, brave explorer of the neighborhood. ezra, two whole years ago. ezra, age six. 

which is why it's worth more than all the money in the world to me. (and then some).

you ride the wave

it washes over you while you are standing in the christmas aisle at target. while you are looking at little cardboard christmas houses that light up. you are not even thinking about it. and then you are. around you, people are buying string lights and pillow cases and giant bags of cat food. you are pushing your plastic red cart down crowded aisles and then you are crying. in public. you are crying in public. you never cry in public.

it sneaks up on you while you are reading a book to your eight year-old son. bam. there it is. you struggle to read the words, to finish even one sentence. you are too tired to tell him why but you tell him anyway because you can't hide it forever. you finish the chapter, climb out of his bed into your own and fall into a deep, boneless sleep. if you could, you'd sleep forever.

it knocks the wind out of you while you are driving. when the sun is shining and the radio is on and your mind is in seventeen different places. you grip the wheel and ride the wave. you want to pull over but you don't. you roll down the window instead. and you ride the wave.

this is grief.

for a second, I forgot where I was

we drove to the coast and she let me talk and talk and talk until I couldn't anymore. then we ran to the ocean, head first into ridiculous rain and wind. also, there was food. and shopping. the end.

this is the thinking

if I am all about images and one liners and quotations here then I am probably off having a little adventure. or trying to.

happy friday

I love friday. and saturday and sunday. but mostly, friday.

exactly

"I start in the middle of a sentence and move both directions at once." -john coltrane

lost san francisco, part two

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as promised, part two. thing is, I've been to san francisco many many times since The Great October Trip of 2010. so, you know. more lost polaroids and all that. but I'll get to it, I will. one of these days. 

one: ward, ezra, newly purchased lucha libre masks. two: the mission. three, four: alemany farmers market. five: victoria's kitchen. six: where ezra took one bite of his burrito and immediately proclaimed his love for the city of san francisco. seven, eight: community thrift, valencia street. nine: the way back home. 

lost san francisco, part one

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hard to believe it's been two years since that first solo show of mine in the mission. since that time we packed the car up, took the kids out of school for a week and headed south to san francisco for opening night. well, and a few other adventures along the way. harder still to believe: I've been sitting on these polaroids for two years now. actually, I've been sitting on a whole world of polaroids. I don't know, people. sometimes things just get lost.

one: a ten year-old ava and the golden gate bridge. two: seen on victoria's street. three: that guy of mine in the middle of magic muir woods. four: leslie and salted caramel ice cream. five: bi-rite in the mission. six: me, victoria's bathroom. seven:  yep, victoria's sweet stove. eight: cutest little launderette you ever did see. nine: lovely leslie and the golden gate bridge. and the cape. my goodness THE CAPE.