359/365

some things I genuinely love about ward:

puts so much love into the coffee he makes each morning, I swear I can taste it

has lines around his eyes that crinkle when he smiles therefore reducing me to a pool of love

made an atlas of the fifty states at age nine, drew each state on a different page and upon completion, took it to his school library and put it on the shelves with the rest of the books on states because he thought, well this is where books on states go

has a deep, deep love for art and will discuss it at length with anyone, any time, any place

has a deep, deep love for music and will discuss it at length with anyone, any time, any place

is not afraid of new generations of music and, in fact, welcomes them with the most open of arms 

sends me pictures of the sunrise when he's taking ezra to school in the morning

is always up for a road trip, always (I mean always)

is always up for a movie, always (I mean always)

is my biggest, most passionate, most genuinely enthusiastic cheerleader

loves star wars more than any person I have ever, ever known

is a bonafide master at mixtape making, listen, I'm telling you his skill level in this area wholly unmatched

does not really care about sports

builds bonfires in the backyard that roar and crackle for hours

is really committed to this beard thing (no but seriously I do love the beard)

truly appreciates a legit book store and/or library as much as I do

will pull over (in a nanosecond) whenever I ask him to for a junk shop, a produce stand, a fleamarket, an old sign, some magic light, what have you

will drop whatever he is doing when you tell him you've lost something and look, tirelessly, endlessly, until he finds it

tears up when someone tells him how much their kid loves one of his books

makes a mean plate of scrambled eggs

makes a mean stack of pancakes

is just so incredibly good, so, so incredibly good at being a dad

gets as excited as I do about different birds we see in the yard

brings me coffee in the morning and tells me I'm pretty

(happy 51st birthday to my most favorite man in the world, I love you I love you I love you)

238/365

things I genuinely love about ava:

appreciates a beautifully, perfectly ripe peach as much as a fresh bag of sour gummy worms
never met a book store (or library) she didn't instantly love
eats her breakfast outside in the morning, even when it's ninety degrees before noon
has covered the walls of her room with thrift store landscape paintings of faraway places and bits and pieces of world maps
laughs with her whole body, eyes squinted shut, tears streaming, just like the women on my mom's side of the family
watches all of the cat videos with me, all of them, tirelessly
is fluent in german and additionally, is currently teaching herself three different languages
never fails to ring her bicycle bell when she pulls into the driveway
once thought she might like to get married at voodoo doughnuts
gets as excited as I do about yard sales and junk shops
wholly understands the profound nature and importance of the old school photobooth
actually reads the books I recommend and then lets me tell her why they're important
knows the names of the stars and the constellations, often wanders outside at night to look at them
loves traveling by train (almost) as much as I do
loves sufjan stevens (almost) as much as I do
is fiercely individualistic and deeply compassionate
is the feminist it took me yeeeears to become
pours her whole self into the art she makes
is always, and I mean always, up for a movie
is always, and I mean always, up for a road trip
is the cool girl I always wanted to be

(happy 19th birthday to my favorite girl in the world and someday when you are reading through this strange little digital document of a sliver of my time here in this world, I hope you find this and I hope it brings you so, so much joy) 

237/365

things I'm doing today (in a mad dash) to get ready for tomorrow:

wrapping all the birthday presents
tying them all up with a mess of bakers twine and the last bits of fuzzy pink yarn
packing sparklers and bug spray and a good straw hat and a stack of books and maybe a swimsuit 
packing matches and birthday candles and party horns and confetti and the disco camping lantern
packing cameras and film and battery chargers and more film
baking homemade (birthday) mac and cheese
baking homemade (birthday) cherry cobbler
wondering how we're going to get it all there
wondering if I've remembered everything
wondering if I've thought of everything

193/365

things I genuinely love about ezra:

appreciates a perfectly ripe avocado as much as a fresh bag of hot chili pepper takis
toggles between intense bursts of video game-playing and book-reading with enviable ease 
gets as excited as I do about lightning bugs *and* lightning whelks
gets why bottle rocket is clearly wes anderson's best film and can now insert the lil banana quote into any given conversation
keeps jars of old skeleton keys and vintage watch parts and various found objects in his room
never met a toddler (or cat) who did not absolutely love him
actually reads books I recommend (and then lets me tell him why they're important)
knows when to put the controller down and get on his bike and ride
often carries a small black backpack he refers to as his 'adventure sack'

has pretty exceptional observational skills

sincerely appreciates a good road trip
is diligently working on folding a thousand paper cranes
shares his favorite songs with me at the end of long days when I just can't with people and the world anymore
makes a mean turkey avocado sandwich
will watch episodes of seinfeld and the office and parks and rec over and over and over again with me
takes the art he makes seriously
once declined an opportunity visit the city where he grew up (portland) because he wanted to 'remember it the way it was'
brings me things like tiny flowers and paint palettes from art class
has a writer in him fighting to get out
has recently taken up whittling
is not stingy with hugs

(happy 15th birthday to my favorite boy in the world and someday when you are reading through my old blog posts, I hope you find this and I hope it brings you so much joy)

192/365

junk food purchased today for a birthday junk food sleepover tonight:

gummy worms
sour gummy worms
chocolate
so much chocolate
and lots of orange food
like cheetos
and takis
and bacon-flavored cheezits
last but not least:
birthday cake oreos

you only turn fifteen once.

though admittedly, I did feel as if I needed to explain myself to the target cashier.

15/365

things that absolutely delighted me this week:

rosemary living in my kitchen window sill
christmas cookie recipes in my mom's handwriting
the most golden of magic hours on december eleventh 
a fortune from zoltar
a mixtape my brother made me
a mixtape, you understand
a cassette tape, is what I'm telling you
old home movies from my southern illinois childhood in which I sound like a hillbilly
lin-manual miranda on the radio talking about the saddest song
questlove on instagram talking about nancy wilson
ava's painting of this photograph of the two of us
ezra's pencil drawing of the sun
the way my family ate my inexplicably very dry red velvet cake with nary a complaint
the way my husband took such care with me on my birthday
every single time we plugged in the christmas lights
every single time, I tell you
mirrors and lights
lights and mirrors

(yayoi kusama forever)

11/365

things I did on the first day of 48:

slept in
drank all the coffee
felt alive
I mean, really alive
ate breakfast in bed with confetti
did not read the news
did not watch the news
wore a little crown made of sunflowers 
put on my reading glasses to read ezra's card 
tried not to cry
cried anyway
baked the red velvet cake
let the kids help
had soft pretzels and cherry limeade for lunch
stood in a room full of mirrors and lights
stood in that room for thirty seconds
wanted to stand in it for thirty hours
bought myself a little paint set
felt hopeful
tried on coral lipstick
felt hopeful
took a freight elevator to the rooftop
looked out over the city
closed my eyes
made a wish

fifty, celebrated

five decades, a fraction represented here. yesterday: this guy, fifty. we celebrated big and there are stories to tell. 

48

favorites of my favorite in honor of his 48th birthday, which we celebrated yesterday with chocolate cake after turkey and cranberries and mountains of mashed potatoes. favorites of my favorite, taken with my least favorite camera but the one I always seem to have on me, the stupid iphone. favorites of my favorite from the year 2016 and how are we at the end of it already? how?

happy birthday, mister jenkins. you are still the peanut butter to my chocolate, the sonny to my cher, my most favorite person in all of the world.

august's sixty seconds

ava turned sixteen this summer, friends. sixteen. momentous occasions such as this call for extraordinary adventures so we hopped a train to new york for her first trip to one of my favorite cities in the world.

this here is the little film I made of it for the sixty second photograph project. full disclosure: it was not easy to remember to stop and shoot bits and pieces of footage of our time together. in fact, it really slowed us down. but, wow. I'm so glad I made myself stop, made myself stop and shoot the bits and pieces. because I know I'll treasure this little film forever. forever and ever and ever.

and I think ava will too.

(music by caribou and special thanks to my good friend jen lee for letting us crash on the floor of her sweet brooklyn flat)

45 on 45

one week ago today, I turned 45. it's a strange age, 45. strangely weird and wonderful and maybe a little bit painful. for weeks now, I've been thinking about it, about how I wanted to celebrate, how I wanted to mark the occasion. because, it is an occasion. sort of like turning 40 but with a little more wisdom and a pinch more panic.

aging aside, the truth is that december birthdays are hard. the calendar is crammed with more obligations than anyone ever knows what to do with and people are mostly tired and grouchy. there isn't ever any extra money, not really, because what little there is has been squirreled away for christmas and whatever bills are overdue. blah blah blah, it's all very first world woe is me.

but I had sleeves with tricks, I did. and a pocket with a few dollars, a few of my favorite people, a good twelve (maybe thirteen) hours and the whole freaking city of atlanta. and so I decided to see if I could do 45 things on my 45th birthday, 45 actual things. and you know what? it was a pretty good way to celebrate. it didn't cost me very much and I will never, ever forget it. and really, that's all I wanted.

here are 45 things I did the day I turned 45:

1. bought a bag of party horns and a package of confetti on our way into the city.

2. ate a doughnut with raspberry pink frosting and rainbow sprinkles.

3. tossed a little confetti out the window as we flew down dekalb ave.

4. had a cup of tea at dr. bombay's underwater tea party, browsed the one dollar books, left a party horn behind.

5. took a polaroid of a favorite scene.

6. threw a penny in the fountain at fellini's, made a wish.

7. picked a camellia up off the sidewalk, left a pinch of confetti behind.

8. taped a party horn to a favorite book and left it in the little free library in my old neighborhood.

9. did a little indie craft window-shopping.

10. sprinkled confetti on the steps of my very first apartment.

11. flipped through albums at criminal records, bought myself a little birthday vinyl.

12. hopped inside criminal's digital photobooth for a strip, left a party horn behind.

13. drove through momo's rainbow tunnel, jumped out and taped a party horn to it.

14. photographed the year I was born.

15. sat in the sun at lottafrutta and had the lulo, a drink made with a fruit I'd never even heard of before.

16. left a party horn taped to the plastic neck of a pink flamingo, took the little orange paper umbrella as a souvenir.

17. sampled the watermelon soda (tasted like liquid candy necklace). 

18. decided I'd make an okay carmen miranda.

19. chickened out of photographing a most spectacular stranger.

20. hit the swings at the noguchi playground in piedmont park.

21. flew down that rad noguchi slide too.

22. left a little confetti in front of the old black iron gates of the apartment we lived in when we were first married.

23. photographed a few people I love jumping in front of a mural I love.

24. taped a party horn to the big yellow dot on said loved mural.

25. taped a party horn to the little orange dot on a favorite HENSE mural.

26. walked the beltline at magic hour, scattered a little confetti along the way.

27. sprinkled a smidge of confetti in front my favorite tiny red door.

28. tucked a party horn inside the string installment that covers the footbridge over ponce.

29. left a party horn behind on our way into ponce city market.

30. sampled a little hops biscuits and gravy, watched the sun go down over ponce.

31. bought a piece of cherry mash and a packet of cherry pop rocks at the candy shop, let the pop rocks crackle in my mouth as we wandered around outside.

32. tried on a few hats at the hat shop, fell in love with a scarlet cloche.

33. wandered the aisles of the art supply store, bought myself a beautiful new fountain pen.

34. found out what it's like to wander the high museum of art at night.

35. photographed my people in front of the anish kapoor piece.

36. spotted the flashing neon HOT NOW sign at the krispy kreme on ponce, had to stop. it's practically the law.

37. watched hundreds of doughnuts on a conveyor belt pass through heavenly sugary showers of glaze.

38. consumed exactly one hot doughnut, let it melt in my mouth.

39. stopped for french fries and cokes at the beloved majestic diner, tucked a party horn between the salt and pepper shakers.

40. stood on the jackson street bridge and looked out over our fair city, threw a handful of confetti at it.

41. tossed the last of the confetti onto ponce on our way out of the city.

42. listened to my family sing happy birthday.

43. blew out all the candles, made one last wish.

44. devoured a piece of red velvet cake.

45. collapsed onto the big green couch, fully and wholly 45.

the peanut butter

happy 47th birthday to the guy who is totally the peanut butter to my chocolate. the cheese to my crackers, the sonny to my cher.

all the feels today. plus the realization that these are the good times.