13 November 2018

day thirteen



the problem is I wait until the end of the day to start writing. when I am feeling pretty much all used up and my eyes are bleary from editing and my brain is done with thinking and my body is tired from the living.

I used to come alive at night. after everyone else went to bed and quiet fell over the house, my brain lit up like a neon sign. I felt like I could do anything. make anything, write anything. all my magic unfurled after midnight.

there is no magic unfurling after midnight now. there is actually no magic unfurling anytime after nine. it is currently 9:08pm and I am telling you people right now, I am struggling. after nine, everything looks wrong, feels wrong. and what I have come to realize is that things feel wrong because I have no optimism left. these days, I have a very fixed daily amount. once it's gone, it's gone. but what I also know now is that if I just close up the proverbial shop and slip into bed and drink my tea and read my book and fall asleep, the optimism will magically regenerate and return in the morning. there will be coffee and (most of the time), a fresh chunk of daily optimism for the taking. 

some days, I am careless with it. I squander it, spend it all in one place. as if I have no concept of what it means to pace myself. sometimes it runs out long before the day is over and I am forced to run on reserves. this is never pretty. once, when we were all sitting around a bonfire in the backyard, staring in silence as the flames died down and the last of the embers cooled to a dim glow, ezra said, "look. it's mom's optimism."

and I laughed, because it was true.

12 November 2018

well, I asked

me, after dinner: "so, what should I write about tonight?"

ava: "slurpees."

ezra: "yeah define the word slurpee."

ward: "love. you should write about love."

ward: "talk about trump. you love trump."

ezra: "hey you should write about how I'm almost done with all these paper cranes."

ava: "polygamy."

ward: "make one of your lists. yeah you should make a list of um, movies."

ava: "toilets. public toilets."

ladies and gentlemen, this be my monday night. 

11 November 2018

day eleven



I watched this today and it made me happy. (november, two years ago)

10 November 2018

friday night

I had the sads last night and nothing helped. not tater tots, not the hot shower, not the book in bed. not even claire de lune loud in my headphones. sometimes the sads are like that, though. you just have to sit in them for a little while, let yourself feel them.  

I thought about a midnight walk, I thought about cutting my hair. I thought about how good it might feel to take a pair of scissors and cut my braids right off, I thought about the sound the scissors against my hair would make, about the jolt I'd get from the sight of my braids in the sink. that jolt appealed to me. 

I thought about writing, about how the push of a pen against paper feels. I thought about posting here. and then I fell into a deep, boneless sleep and now it's morning and there's sunlight and coffee and miraculously, banana bread in the oven. I made it to the other side, braids intact. 

good morning.

08 November 2018

twitter, condensed

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today, on twitter:
growing up physically surrounded by books can be good for you 
and breast milk is a scientific miracle
and silent book clubs are active
and 1993 might have been the greatest year for music
and the letter 'b' in the word 'debt' was added centuries ago for aesthetic effect
and vivian maier saw things in color sometimes

and there was another mass shooting
and voter suppression is choking us here in the state of georgia
and racism is choking us here in the united states of america
and the president is dumb
and we the people have had it

07 November 2018

day seven

where to look

find a tree that screams color, with leaves so bright they could be on fire. sunlight overhead is a plus, though not necessarily required. position yourself directly underneath this tree. position yourself as close to the trunk as you can get. 

look up. 

(repeat as needed)

06 November 2018

come through, georgia

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today, I voted. and I voted with my daughter who was voting for the very first time. and for the first time in a really long time, I felt hopeful. 

05 November 2018

get out there, folks

vote 
vote
vote 
vote
vote
vote
vote