24/365

on this christmas eve:

songs have been sung
oranges have been put in stockings
quiet has set in
a weary world rejoices

23/365

small pleasures, part two:

peeling oranges
striped socks
christmas lights
clean sheets
midnight movies
jiffy pop
sleeping in

22/365

things I remember about this christmas circa 1979:

divinity fudge and hard candy in glass bowls, spaghetti and meatballs for dinner

the sweet smell of my grandpa's pipe, the faint scent of beer

the snow white ceramic christmas tree with the tiny candy rainbow lights that always, always sat on top of my grandparents' enormous television set

the way I loved that darci doll, the one I'm holding in the photograph above, with her more generously proportioned body and her brassy brunette hair and the very, very professional little modeling portfolio she came with

the way my brother loved that howdy doody doll, the one he's holding in the photograph above, with his goofy grin and painted freckles and mouth made to tell a thousand kid jokes

my dad in that burgundy velour, my mom with that sterling silver locket 

the way we drank RC cola out of frosty aluminum cups in magenta and amber and royal blue

the way we snuck upstairs to listen to old 45s on my dad's suitcase record player and throw things down the laundry chute

the pallet of quilts and blankets my grandma laid out on the floor of the front room for the kids to sleep on

the way we fell asleep right there, to the blink of christmas lights and the sounds of barney miller on the television

21/365

things I love about winter:

the light
the dark
the quiet
the cold
the cozy

(happy solstice, happy first day of winter)

20/365

things I really want to do right now instead of make this list:

pull on pajamas
climb into bed
sleep until my body thanks me

19/365

items considered for purchase tonight at the buford highway farmers market:

a bagful of rambutans
a bagful of tangerines
matcha green tea kit kats
chocolate banana cream pocky
an abnormally large bag of masa harina
an abnormally large jar of nutella
japanese soda in pretty bottles
japanese soda you have to manually add fizz to
properly aged parmesan
a case of topo chico

18/365

things I still need to do:

send all the cards

wrap all the presents

bake all the things

17/365

overheard while writing letters to santa tonight:

"can I write small"
"can I write in pencil"
"are you going to read these"
"I'm serious, are you and dad going to read these"
"so what exactly are we writing to santa"
"I think I'm overthinking it"
"don't over think it, dad"
"it's just for fun, dad"
"you know, some small part of me still believes"

16/365

recent favorite words:

inchoate
stippled
somnolent
elegaic
vertiginous
insouciant
avuncular
resplendent
garrulous
desultory
ebullience
lugubrious

15/365

things that absolutely delighted me this week:

rosemary living in my kitchen window sill
christmas cookie recipes in my mom's handwriting
the most golden of magic hours on december eleventh 
a fortune from zoltar
a mixtape my brother made me
a mixtape, you understand
a cassette tape, is what I'm telling you
old home movies from my southern illinois childhood in which I sound like a hillbilly
lin-manual miranda on the radio talking about the saddest song
questlove on instagram talking about nancy wilson
ava's painting of this photograph of the two of us
ezra's pencil drawing of the sun
the way my family ate my inexplicably very dry red velvet cake with nary a complaint
the way my husband took such care with me on my birthday
every single time we plugged in the christmas lights
every single time, I tell you
mirrors and lights
lights and mirrors

(yayoi kusama forever)

14/365

people and things in which I have the highest of hopes:

weighted blankets

barry jenkins' new film

the one legit coffee shop in our neighborhood
the third season of atlanta
time-release melatonin

the new pack film

alexandria ocasio-cortez

every bra I've ever purchased

13/365

places from which I have banned myself:

webMD
any site even remotely similar to webMD
the medical aisle at any and every book store and/or library

12/365

things I keep in jars:

cloves
pennies
water from the pacific ocean
water from the atlantic ocean
portland rain, collected the day we moved
secret candies
bits of magical thinking

11/365

things I did on the first day of 48:

slept in
drank all the coffee
felt alive
I mean, really alive
ate breakfast in bed with confetti
did not read the news
did not watch the news
wore a little crown made of sunflowers 
put on my reading glasses to read ezra's card 
tried not to cry
cried anyway
baked the red velvet cake
let the kids help
had soft pretzels and cherry limeade for lunch
stood in a room full of mirrors and lights
stood in that room for thirty seconds
wanted to stand in it for thirty hours
bought myself a little paint set
felt hopeful
tried on coral lipstick
felt hopeful
took a freight elevator to the rooftop
looked out over the city
closed my eyes
made a wish

10/365

things I did on the last day of 47:

overslept
went to a thousand grocery stores
actually, two
bought cake flour, red food coloring, buttermilk 
wondered how many years I have been baking this cake
looked at my eyes in the mirror
googled eye cream
looked at my neck in the mirror
googled neck cream
did a thousand loads of laundry
literally a thousand
actually, seven
actually think seven might as well be a thousand
wondered how my laundromat is still in business
counted the number of machines marked out of order
counted eight
stepped over a washing machine turned on its side, guts and wires spilled out
wondered if they've just given up
listened to a couple argue in russian
listened to the sound of my friend's voice
wondered what I would have done without her this year
cut onions and garlic nice and fine
taught ezra how to saute 
contemplated vacuuming
decided against it
looked at the haircut I gave myself
I mean really looked at it
apologized to my hair
put fresh sheets on the bed
felt victorious
surveyed the mountain of towels and clothes yet to be folded
felt defeated
took a hot shower with the lights off
thanked my body for another year
thanked my skin, my muscles and bones
apologized for the many ways in which I have mistreated them
promised to do better this year 
meant it
chose the polaroid of the lovely laundromat above
chose it knowing full well it looks nothing like my sad laundromat
posted it anyway
wondered what tomorrow's list will look like
wondered what 48 what will look like

9/365

seen at the mall today:

$200 face cream
a canary yellow fur coat
the world's smallest magic 8 ball
all the dresses I wore in the nineties
santa claus

8/365

small pleasures, part one:

french fries
old photographs
the first page of a new book
sweaters that feel like blankets
sap pinched from the ends of christmas tree branches
handwritten letters
naps

7/365

I would not be mad if, in a strange turn of events, santa claus turned out to be a real, living guy who, in an even stranger turn of events, hand-delivered one of the following items to my home in the dead of night:

these roller skates
this record album
this bicycle
this book
this camera

note: this is really just an updated version of a christmas wish list my fourth grade self made, though that one probably also included a request for multiple tins of village lip lickers and a dramatic plea for a mister microphone

6/365

things I worried about today:

financial aid for ava
an impending deadline 
the strange sound the kitchen faucet makes
the strange sound my computer cord makes
ways I've failed as a parent
ways in which I am unable to properly adult
cancer, all of the cancers, always

5/365

things I didn't see coming:

donald trump
the return of mom jeans
the love I have for my reading glasses

(well okay I sort of saw donald trump coming)