20 September 2005

self portrait tuesday #7



sometimes it seems strange to me that I am someone's mother. SOMEBODY'S MOM. five years later, I am still trying to get used to it, still desperately trying to figure out who that is and what I need to be. still working on fully embracing the all-encompassing role that is every second of every day of every week of every month of every year for the rest of my life. motherhood is a tough gig, yo. you could have tried to pound that fact into my brain in my romanticized pre-baby days but I would not have believed you.

weirder still-- years from now ava and ezra will have entire conversations about me. I wonder which of my quirks will stand out, what things I will do that will drive them crazy enough to talk about it over dinner together. I wonder what things I will do right, what things I will do wrong. and I wonder if they will truly know who I am because when you're a mother, you know-- you're their mom. you fulfill certain needs, you take on specific roles that sometimes prevent your children from seeing who you really are. in fact, I am still (to this day) learning little things about my own mother, that person whom I thought I knew inside and out.

the above photo was taken on my first mothers day (2001) and I am holding ava. seven months into it, I finally started to get it... that despite the hurdles and the challenges and the astounding levels of exhaustion, there are these moments. they are the ones that sneak up on you out of nowhere and bring you to your knees. you find yourself overwhelmed with gratitude, you are swimming in love for this small being, it is spilling out of you all over the place, this hope, this love that you have. and you know that it will all be all right. you are exactly where you need to be, right there, loving them. and all the stinky laundry and bathtub scum and unfinished art projects and poptarts for breakfast can't change that. I hope that is what ava and ezra get around to talking about someday over dinner-- that above all else, they were (are) loved with a magnificent love.

14 comments:

  1. lovely lovely tribute... inspiring and heartfelt.... i think your children are as lucky to have you as you are to have them! if that isn't pretty perfect i don't know what is...

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  2. I hve the same thing. Still getting used to being called mummy, the most lovely sound :) Mummies are these other women who have children, I'm just a girl who happens to have a child :)
    Love your photo. You look very happy.

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  3. Andrea:
    I so enjoyed this post. I really love the line where you say you "are swimming in love for this small being, it is spilling out of you all over the place" - what a wonderful way with words you have! You are able to put into the written word the deepest, most heartfelt emotions that a mother has. I felt those things when mine were small, but never had the ability to say it the way you so beautifully said it. Sometimes I would say, "I love them so much it hurts." That gives the sense of pain - but to say one is swimming in that love - THAT's beautiful! And having such a deep passion for ALL of life just flows over into your passion for your kiddies. I guess that's why I love you so much - you are PASSIONATE about things. You don't sit on the fence - you have a great love for dance, art, color, the written word, people, - the list goes on. But that's why I go to your journal every day - just to see what you're passionate about today.

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  4. mmnnn...so beautifully said, and all of it so true. thanks for sharing this!

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  5. As someone who is eagerly looking forward to having children....I love this. Yes, I'm in that wide-eyed phase without the exhaustion and frustration that will surely come. But, it's nice to see that it's worth it all. You're a good mom.

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  6. so you just have a way hula...of putting a lump in my throat.

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  7. tears in my eyes from what you wrote. So eloquently put. and what a beautiful photo.

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  8. I'm at the point you were at in the photo...a seven month old who rocks my world--in every way that phrase can be interpreted. So, the disbelief thing, it doesn't go away, does it?

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  9. pretty lady!

    i constantly wonder how in the future mina will turn me into a caricature -- not the sum but the parts. what personal quirks that are invisible to me will be the subject of her "funny stories about my mom." its inevitable, isn't it?

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  10. Thank you, Andrea.
    I loved every word you had to say.
    Wonderful picture. Wonderful words.
    You are a wonderful mom!

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  11. thank you so much, everyone... really.

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  12. Great photo and sentiments

    It is amazing how as we grow our relationship and understanding of our mother does change so much.

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  13. I too am in awe everytime I look at my daughter and think...she's in this world because of me...I made her...I'm responsible for her...and she'll grow up being who she is to be partially because of what I teach her. What an awesome gift and responsibility that is. I've thought about it more lately now that Scott and I will be bringing another little life into this world...although I've been through it before, the miracle of creation and pregnancy and birth amazes me to no end. And like you, I hope that some day my kids will look back at who I am, as both their mother and as an individual, and find as many wonders and joys in our relationship as I continue to find in my mother and I's relationship.

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