07 February 2007

self portrait #41 (black and white)



if I squint hard enough, I can barely see the deep circles under my eyes. the dirty strands of hair disappear and all I see is me and that strawberry ice cream cone. we got caught in the rain that day-- me, ava and ezra. we'd been to the book store and got caught in a sudden downpour. we ducked into the nearest shop to keep dry, which just happened to be an ice cream parlor. we were bored, so we started to play with the camera. we took photos of each other, of the floor, of our ice cream, a speck of paint on the table, wadded-up napkins, our feet, the rain outside. in that moment, I didn't want to be anywhere else, with anyone else, doing anything else.

that's a good and solid sort of memory. but I'll tell you-- when I look at this particular photograph of myself for too long, something strange starts to happen. like when you've said the same word out loud too many times and it begins to sound completely foreign to you. like a word that belongs to an entirely different language. which is not so much a bad thing-- just disconcerting. it's as if I am barely recognizable here. again, the deep circles become more prominent, the texture of my skin, the shape of my face, my nose, the hair pulled back tight (save for a few dirty strands). I start to think about how boys in junior high used to call me cow eyes. I feel like I am looking at a creature from a different planet. I feel like I'm looking at someone I don't really know.

which is all just a little too existential for a wednesday morning.


(the self portrait challenge for february is black and white-- more to see here)

12 comments:

  1. Love the story of how this photo came to be. And I can totally relate about how common words, when repeated, often enough start to sound as though they are in another tongue. Interesting that you find the same thing happening with this photo. Thanks for telling that it's strawberry ice cream -- in black and white, it's hard to tell.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hey girl! I haven't been by in forever because my RSS feed bookmark broke! I'm all fixed now and excited to be back! I LOVE this picture you are just too cute.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I love the little moments that make it all so beautiful. mondaine, normal, yet so worthwhile. I have the same alienated feeling sometimes when I stare at myself in the mirror too long (yes I still do that). enough self exposing... have a great night!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh, we are all the hardest on ourselves. I wish I had been one of the strangers in that ice cream parlor to see your time with the kids unfold. I would have only seen joy and beauty and giggles and would have wanted to join in :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Not too existential, but just enough. And perfect. I do the same with my face, my name, etc. And here? You're beautiful. Wish you weren't so hard on yourself -- you really are radiant here. Love it.

    love ya, sweets.

    ReplyDelete
  6. a too familiar thought, once again - and how lucky to have been right near that ice cream parlor when the rain started.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I hope you know how special you are dear mama, truly.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I love the whole post; the disconnect with our tired outsides vs. our vibrant insides.

    You're always beautiful no matter what.

    ReplyDelete
  9. um.... you still look cute!!! and you are eating ICE CREAM!

    um... i think you have every right to be exhausted.....

    big hugs... xo

    ReplyDelete
  10. I love the photo as well as the memories behind it. This pic makes me think of ezra. You really are beautiful...

    ReplyDelete
  11. this post really got me where it counts. i feel so on the same page with you on this one... i was nodding and uh-huhing you all over the place.

    ReplyDelete
  12. It is amazing what we see when we look at ourselves...with you however you are always eating yummy pink and red things like strawberry ice cream or red velve cake!:)

    ReplyDelete