10 December 2006

amateur hour

so we were on our way home saturday night when we heard it.

we'd spent the better part of saturday rushing around like crazy people and unfortunately, it all culminated with a dreaded (but necessary) trip to The Mall to purchase ezra's big christmas present: a buzz lightyear doll. I should also preface this whole thing by saying that the ez has been a little out of sorts lately. nothing major, just the usual toddler stuff-- super wiggliness, extra grouchiness and a whine that makes you to want to pull your eyelashes out one by one. by saturday night, we were all on the verge of something big and ugly, but somehow, we made it. we made it through without any major meltdowns and with the dignity of the family fairly intact. I think I even had some eyelashes left. most importantly, buzz lightyear made it to the car with ezra none the wiser. doesn't seem like a major feat, but not too much gets by the kid and ward and I were basking in it. we were feeling pretty cocky, ready to celebrate. best of all, we were finally in the car and headed towards home. the crying and the wiggling and the whining had finally stopped and when I caught sight of ezra's heavy-lidded eyes, I felt the sort of relief that only comes at the end of this kind of day. the car was silent. dear readers, it was a thing of beauty.

and then we heard it. loud and clear and from the trunk:

"BUZZ LIGHTYEAR TO THE RESCUE!"
"TO INFINITY AND BEYOOOOOOND!"

ward and I looked at each other with great horror. we looked back at ezra-- his eyes immediately popped open and he was wild with excitement. as if the rescue he'd been waiting so long for had finally come, as if he'd always known it would happen this way. his mouth made the tiniest little 'o' shape and his eyes were wide as silver dollars, he could barely speak. ward abruptly stopped the car. we kept looking at each other, waiting for some sort of divine intervention. then ezra began to scream for buzz, pointing upwards and backwards, laughing and struggling to turn around in his car seat.

we made a quick decision to play dumb. what else could we do? we pretended we had not heard the Voice From The Back. we turned the radio on, spoke to him soothingly, pleaded with him to go back to sleep. but the child, he knew. HE KNEW WHAT HE HAD HEARD. and he was not about to abandon hope. he kept screaming, "MY BUZZ! MY BUZZ! MY BUZZ!" and I'm sure he was thinking I KNOW I'M NOT CRAZY, I KNOW WHAT I HEARD. but what else could we do? nothing to do but keep on driving. we were desperately hoping he would fall asleep and forget. and he did (finallly) fall back asleep. but he did not forget. at three in the morning, he remembered. at six in the morning, he remembered. by eight o'clock, he was trying to put a set of car keys into the hands of his very groggy father, pulling him towards the front door. buzz! buzz! buzz! in back, he'd say. slowly and with great emphasis, just in case there was any confusion as to the exact location of the beloved buzz. still, we continued to feign ignorance.

and it broke my heart just a little, but it had to be done. come christmas morning, the pay-off is going to be monumental. cameras will be charged and ready to go.

unless we pull another rookie stunt and mess that up too.

26 comments:

  1. that is going to be one of the best christmas stories ever.... congratulations on a job (not exactly how you envisioned, but...) well done.

    ReplyDelete
  2. OMG!! YOU ARE THE WORST PARENTS EVER!! YOUR CHILD WILL FIGURE OUT ABOUT THE WHOLE SANTA CLAUS "SEKKRIT" BEFORE HE TURNS 3!!!

    *snicker*

    I know, I'm being mean. But I loved the story and I could just SEE Ezra's face and hear him demand to get Buzz from the back of the car and I can imagine you and Ward playing dumb. I can say that you have encountered a situation that has happened to many parents before you...though I'm not sure any of them had a child quite like Ezra ;)

    ReplyDelete
  3. not just one of the best christmas stories. one of your best posts ever, i think.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Pretty funny!
    I can just see that little kid obsessed from now until Christmas, talking in his sleep even, "Buzz, Buzz - in back..."
    :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Very funny story! (Well told, too.)

    ReplyDelete
  6. That is priceless! I can just hear him now - "My Buzz! My Buzz!" Poor little kiddie. But you did the right thing. This is something out of a "Believe it Or Not" episode on TV. Well written, Andrea.

    ReplyDelete
  7. So funny! If only you had one of those Men in Black-style memory zappers!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Kellyann aka SmellyKellyDecember 11, 2006 5:58 AM

    Hilarious!
    I've been visiting you for awhile via dear Ms Kathleen...thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Kellyann aka SmellyKellyDecember 11, 2006 6:02 AM

    Hilarious! It's gonna be a long couple o weeks for little Ezra!
    I've been visiting you for awhile now via my dear friend Ms Kathleen.
    Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  10. That is the BEST! Gold, Jerry, gold! Hopefully, some of us will learn from YOUR mistakes! Thanks for sharing them in the way that only you can. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh, Andrea, I love it. As the mother of a toddler who misses nothing, I completely relate. My little Ruby isn't even quite two and I know she knows about all of her gifts. Luckily, someone gave her the early gift of a my little pony, so hopefully she'll be distracted for at least another week or so.

    ReplyDelete
  12. this is the best christmas story yet. I love it.
    that kid is going to be crazy on the 25th.

    ReplyDelete
  13. You could add this scene to A Christmas Story and it would fit in seamlessly :)!

    ReplyDelete
  14. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! this is one of the funniest christmas stories i've ever heard.

    ReplyDelete
  15. hee hee hee hee hee hee
    I'm still tittering with laughter now!
    I can just see the face on you and your husband when that voice appeared from the back of the car!
    So unfortunate and yet so utterly hilarious!!!
    At least the thing didn't keep on talking!
    ;)
    Vxxx

    ReplyDelete
  16. I laughed until I cried! Thanks for sharing...

    ReplyDelete
  17. that is hilarious, hilarious, hilarious! what a great story!

    ReplyDelete
  18. that is the BEST story i've heard in a long time. i could totally picture your wee one, straining to see WHAT HE KNEW WAS THERE. (=
    yesterday, as i was doing the weekly boiler maintenance, my girl spied her present from santa although didn't really comprehend it.....just kept saying, let me get in that closet and see what's in there, i NEED to see what's in there. umm, not.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Oh yes! That is hilarious! I was laughing so hard while reading that Blou came over to me and started laughing too. I don't know how you didn't crack under the pressure. Too funny.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Poor widdle kid. When I was wrapping Andrea's birthday gift today, Ezra sauntered into the room and after taking one look at the wrapped present, he looked up at me, pointed at the gift and said, "My Buzz? Yes, my Buzz."

    And later on in the evening, we were at one of our favorite restaurants and after eating, I walked outside with the boy so he could get all his wiggles out. There were some short bushes in a nicely landscaped area near the front of the building and it wasn't before long when I found Ezra going through each one, peering into the shrubbery looking for his Buzz.

    Kid's got a ONE TRACK MIND.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Years later, I visualize Ezra walking into a psychiatrist's office to proclaim that he has
    been hearing voices of his supreme
    commander, Buzz Lightyear!

    ReplyDelete
  22. oh, this is a funny story! noisy toys will be the end of us all....
    he's going to be thrilled christmas morning :)

    ReplyDelete
  23. heh heh. can't wait for those pics.....

    ReplyDelete
  24. loveloveLOVE this story. hee!

    merry christmas, andrea!

    ReplyDelete
  25. oh yes, that is THE best Christmas present story ever! brilliant, thanks for sharing that.

    ReplyDelete