03 January 2013

midnight


december was rough. december fought me at every single turn. certainly the grief was there (will always be there, of that I am sure) but there were other things. the beginning of the sorting of my mother's things. explosive arguments. sleeplessness. endless, endless travel. head colds, head lice. wicked exhaustion. endless going. endless, endless going. I'll tell you, I've never been so happy to see a month (december, my happy month, my birthday month) come to an end.

so we were on the train on new years eve, on our way back home to portland. as midnight approached, we found ourselves somewhere in the middle of the great state of montana, nothing but miles and miles of pitch black save for the glow of the occasional tiny home, the occasional cluster of small town neon. everyone else on the train seemed to be asleep and at 11:59, we were left to count down the seconds on our own, to whisper numbers to each other in the dark. and then, midnight. midnight hit and there it was. relief. in a second, I was flooded with a relief so sweet I could practically taste it. because finally, 2012 had come to an end and the worst year of my life was over.

friends, I am not so naive to think that 2013 holds any sort of magic. I know it won't bring my mom back or undo any of the pain. but it's a new year, a fresh start. and right now, that's enough for me. right now, that's all I really need.

p.s. I would be remiss if I did not mention the above polaroid, which was shot back in december of 2010, at the park near my parents' home in illinois-- it was the last real christmas I spent with my mom, the best christmas, the absolute best christmas of my life.

23 comments:

  1. so much love to you, girl. xo

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  2. So good colors with your heading. I really and truly wish you and your family a happy, and in every way peaceful, new year.

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  3. I don't think I've every commented here, but I've loved your photography and your blog for years. This post is probably my favorite. I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain, but my goodness, your words and writing are so amazing. I'm hoping that somehow you find a little bit of magic - even in the ordinary - in 2013. I know I've found plenty right here on this blog.

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  4. Wishing you a most peaceful year, filled with beauty and light.

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  5. I haven't been here in a while. Sorry to hear about your 2012. I understand that a new year can be very freeing. Sending hugs and much happiness and love for 2013!

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  6. pressing on with you, friend. xo

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  7. wishing everything good for you in 2013 xoxo

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  8. My Dad passed away this time last year so I was very moved by your expression of the deepest sadness and awfulness. A big hug from IRELAND I suppose 2013 couldn't be any worse, I wish you much light and laughter:~))

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  9. 2012 was a horribly hard year for me too and that same wave of relief washed over me the other night. I'm so happy for it to be a part of the past. So much is in front of me, in front of all of us. I'm ready to experience every bit of it.

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  10. Here is to a new year and a fresh start. Wishing you the best for 2013.

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  11. I love this. You are going to have a good 2013. I just know it.

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  12. My Mom died in 1991, suddenly and without warning. To this day I think about her every day. I didn't make it home that last Christmas because I-5 south was a sheet of ice. we didn't know it would be her last. Unless someone experiences a loss of a Mother they can not understand what you are going through. It does get easier, but then for no reason or maybe a song on the radio...something.....sets you off and you have a good cry. I am sorry you have had a tough year and I do hope 2013 will be better, but you will never get over the loss of your Mom. And maybe we shouldn't. i think it just means she meant a lot to you like mine did to me.

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  13. So happy you are back hula. We missed you.

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  14. hi. i follow your fine blog and i do not know if i have commented before...

    anyway, i recognize myself in this post... my father died this year as well, and i too have gone through the sorting and selling and what not... of course all griefs are individual and different, but i feel exactly that same relief that 2012 is over... even though i could not express it the way you did. newyears - just one monday turning to tuesday, but still an important symbolical shift somehow, when 2012 was just so very bad.

    i am very sorry for your loss. i believe there will be brighter times again, but very different times. life has become harder, but maybe somehow also deeper.

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  15. 2011 was the year my mom died, so I feel like I know what you mean when you talk about the relief that the end of 2012 has brought you, because that's what the end of 2011 meant to me. And believe me, my fresh start, my 2012 was not without grief, new trials, and another death, but it was the best year of my life. Your words and photographs have brought so many smiles to my face through the years, hoping some of that joy bounces right back to you this new year.

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  16. aww i love you friend. <3 i understand the relief a new year brings.

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  17. Out with the bad air - in with the good! Welcome, 2013!!!

    Love Love Love this picture and what it reminds you of.

    xo
    cortnie

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  18. I know I've said it before and that the words offer no real comfort, but I am so very sorry for your loss. I know you miss your sweet mother with every breath you take. I pray that your lifetime of happy memories will sustain and comfort you and all those who loved her. Take care, friend. Happy new year.

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  19. My heart breaks for you. It scares me how quick life can change year to year. I hope this year is the best for you! xo

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