being an adult is a drag. really, I'm not digging the scene. I'm tired of being responsible. all I want to do is play and make paintings and beaded necklaces and shell boxes with ava. I want to make a thousand collages, work on my art journal and take dance classes everyday, every stinking night. I want to spend hours making paper stars and party hats for ezra's first birthday party. I want to take my camera all over the city and shoot roll after roll of film. I want to go to star bar on tuesday night and dance to double dutch bus and old prince and james brown with my pal amy. I want to create ipod playlists and string paper lanterns all over the house and spend hours on the phone with my best friend nancy. I want to plant black-eyed susans and cosmos in the front yard and go thrifting for old record albums and purses and clothes for the bebes. I want to dream up elaborate practical jokes to play on ward. I want to get lost in a sea of books, make fruity frozen drinks and listen to music that might make me cry or dance or inspire ava to perform her beloved pixie dance with the handstands.
ah, but I haven't even unpacked the suitcases yet and there's a checkbook to be balanced and bills to be paid and the pipes are backed up so the washer isn't working and the dishwasher isn't working either and the laundry is piling up and the dishes are starting to stink (can't handwash the dishes because the pipes are backed up) and the front yard is horrifically overgrown (prepare to die, vile weeds) and I haven't taken a shower in what feels like 38 days and it is so cold and grey and rainy and my lovely golden tan is fading and these children of mine are supposed to be eating healthy, fresh foods and blahblahblah. it's all so boring and predictable and pedestrian. by the time I finish doing all of these things, my little happy spark will be long gone and the couch will call out to me and I will go to it, forever forsaking all others. I will fall asleep nursing ezra again, the computer precariously balanced on my hip, some bad movie playing on the television in the background. I will dream bizarre, disconnected dreams but wake up quasi-refreshed and ready to play.
but I will see the messes and remember the responsibilities and I will hear someone's voice telling me to grow up and that voice will be my own.