17 December 2013
am currently steeped in that lovely thing they call christmas. am back to pinching the ends off christmas tree branches for the smell of the sap, falling asleep with all the christmas lights on. am sneaking bites of leftover red velvet birthday cake in the middle of the night, waking up with teeth tinged pink. am realizing just how much I love the smell of scotch tape. scotch tape= wrapped presents.
am teaching my kids the carols I grew up singing, the ones that celebrate the birth of jesus. the ones I used to sing so loud I thought my ears would pop off, thought my cheeks would burst from the happy. am remembering my big part in the church pageant, my one big line and how I tripped over the hem of my floor-length ivory dress on the way to the microphone stand. am remembering the way I popped right back up, how the adults in the audience struggled to stifle their laughter while tears burned my eyes. I delivered that line anyway. LIKE A CHAMP. nothing could destroy my christmas spirit, I tell you. nothing.
am not suppressing the sadness. but I'm not swimming in it either. am setting out her little trees, baking her cookies, singing her songs. am remembering just how special she made each christmas, how much of a gift that was. am doing everything I can to keep that part of her alive. am celebrating even when I feel like crying because, christmas. christmas.