12 October 2012

this is a picture I did not take


friends, I lost my mom. a few weeks ago, I lost my best friend. and I know she has a brand new body now, I know she's free from all pain and suffering but I am heartbroken.

this is a picture I did not take:

of us gathered around her bed early, early morning. my dad, my two brothers, holding hands, holding her hands, telling her how much we loved her as she took her last breath.

of the way the light looked in her room that morning, the way it flung itself in slanted shapes across the wall opposite her bed.

of the way the sky turned pink the day we laid her to rest. spectacularly, gloriously pink for just a few short minutes, just before dark. indeed, pink was her color.

what's strange is the way the world just keeps spinning. how everyday is still everyday. kids still need to be fed, laundry still needs to be done, bills still need to be paid. I have jumped right back in because what else can I do? I will tell you, there are moments when the reality hits me and the weight of it nearly brings me to my knees. it's like no pain I have ever, ever known.

friends, I miss my mom.

88 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry. This is beautiful writing, coming from such a sad place. (((hugs))) xxxx

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  2. We don't know each other, but I'm deeply touched by your words. I'm so sorry!

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  3. The picture you did not take ... the picture you've generously shared with us all. Take good care. Be well.

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  4. I know how you feel, I lost my mum 15 years ago and I can still remember the day like yesterday, I will always miss her, I always spoke to her everyday, she was my sole mate and confident but as you say life carries on in its normal fashion. It takes time to realise it and time to grieve but slowly slowly the pain is less, still think of her everyday and wished she was here but that sadly is life.
    Wishing you lots of luck in what is a very hard journey. x
    You don't neeed a picture the memory is stronger then sometimes you wish it was.

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  5. I'm so sorry for your loss. And I know about that pain that is so overwhelming. My Dad passed away suddenly 6 years ago and it was almost impossible to get over it. I thought I wouldn't, but as Tracey said, slowly the pain is less.

    I wish you a lot of strength and, eventually, happy moments in life again.

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  6. It's a beautiful picture - and I can see it perfectly in my heart.

    I'm so sorry for your loss.
    My mom died in March, after a decade long struggle with Alzheimers and respiratory problems and, while I rejoice that she's been set free and restored to wholeness, I'm still surprised by the moments of breathtaking pain when I let myself realize the finality of it all.
    Time alters, but never erases completely, the longing for someone lost through death.
    Praying that you'll find strength to continue in the wonderfully ordinary, gifted life that I'm sure she had a big part of helping you create.

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  7. of course you do. that is all i know how to say. courage, friend, when you can muster it.

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  8. So, so, so sorry for your loss.
    I lost my grandma (whom I partly grow up with) a few years ago and remember the first pain, the greyness of everything.

    Take care.

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  9. Sending much love. I lost my Dad suddenly in June. It is a deep wound that will never be repaired. Anne Lamott equated it to learning how to dance with a broken leg. Sending big hugs and strength.

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  10. oh honey, i'm sorry. and dude, all we can do is carry on and thankfully, all those things need to be done and i think it's what saved me from going completely under while my heart broke/breaks. it's learning how to live with a cracked heart that living is afterwards. sending so much love to you. xo

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  11. Having lost my mother, my father and my oldest sister, I feel your pain and understand exactly how you feel. You wonder how the world can continue when yours has been shattered and will never be the same. But continue it does, and continue, you must... especially with kids.

    Be kind to yourself and do what you need to do. The pain never goes away but it changes over time. It becomes more bareable. It takes time.

    I'm very sorry for your loss. Take care.

    Susan

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  12. she is with you honey. sending you pink skys and smiles and happy moments. miss her and honor her. and dont get lost in your sadness. much love~m

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  13. i can't begin to imagine how you feel....but having just been through this with my sister losing her 16 year old son, i know what your pain looks like....

    i'm so sorry for your loss and my thoughts are with you and all your loved ones as you continue
    on without your mom.....

    ps...i have a great article from a magazine that i shared with my sister and i'd love to share it with you. if you'd like to see it {and it's by a woman who lost her mother} send me your address and i'll get in the mail to you quickly.....

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  14. "Sorry" is never a big enough word to encompass such a loss. I lost my dad last year and a similar picture was not taken. Let yourself sit in the pause while everything else keeps moving. You'll catch up when you're ready.

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  15. So sorry for your loss. There are no words to truly comfort those who have lost a loved one. Please know that I am sending up prayers for you and your family.

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  16. Beautiful post. Glad you captured these memories even without a camera.
    I love you.

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  17. i am so so sorry for your loss. hugs and prayers to you and your family.

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  18. She has left a beautiful legacy in you. Your words filled my eyes with tears. I'm so sorry, love and light to you and your family x

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  19. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your picture is eerily like the one in my head -- my father died in an east-facing room of our house at 7 in the morning. (7:07, on 7/7 to be exact) No one experiences loss in the exact same way, and I hope you are accepting of yourself and the ways you'll be feeling in the coming days/months/years. You'll grieve how you grieve. It's a terrible and amazing thing that we can survive what seems impossible -- that life keeps moving us along, even when every fiber of your being really thinks that everything should just stop, even just for a minute. Take care, Andrea.

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  20. Please take care of yourself...but we do miss your presence online.

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  21. tears and hugs for you. i'm so, so sorry for the loss of your mom and i hope you can find peace and healing in your own time. take care.

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  22. i'm so sorry. i can not begin to fathom how it must be to try to do the everyday in the midst of this mourning. thank you for sharing. sending prayers and )))hugs(((.

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  23. I'm so sorry for you and your family's loss. i can't even imagine. big hugs

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  24. so so sorry to hear this. take care.

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  25. sending you lots and lots of love

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  26. This post is beautiful and devastating. I'm so sorry for your tremendous loss.

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  27. I'm so sorry to hear of this :( I look at my parents growing older and more frail before my eyes and I feel the need to protect them. I feel their vulnerability and it scares me. It's so hard to transition from being parented by these strong people to having to care for them. I'm sorry again for your loss and I hope the days bring happy and beautiful memories of the times you had together. <3

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  28. I am so sorry for your loss…the presence of her loved ones holding her hands must have provided her with a great deal of comfort, hold on to that.

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  29. i'm sorry for your loss. sending you and your family love.

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  30. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your words are beautiful and I can only imagine what a difficult time you must be going through. Keep going and know that we are all thinking of you and sending love x

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  31. hugs to you, andrea. i'm so sorry for your loss. xo.

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  32. oh my friend. crying crying. <3 i'm familiar with the world-still-turning thing. it's so odd. it feels like there should be a national day of mourning for that person you loved so much, like the whole earth needs to stop and acknowledge this pain. but they don't.
    maybe i'll wear pink today. <3

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  33. If your writings are any indication, your mother surely knew how much you loved her. Wishing you some comfort and peace through the pain.

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  34. I am so very sorry for your loss. Your mother sounds like she was a lovely woman.

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  35. oh dear.
    I can't imagine.
    I am carrying you in my heart. I believe many people are.
    may you find some solace in that.

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  36. oh Andrea, I am so so sorry! And sad for you! I think of the pictures I've seen of your mom here over the years... such a beautiful, bright lady. Oh I'm so sorry and my heart goes out to you. Sending you many hugs and saying prayers for peace and comfort. Aw snap.

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  37. Sometimes words have more power and grace
    than imagery. Thank you for sharing Andrea.
    Peace.

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  38. i know i dont really know you or your family Andrea. But i have been thinking of you so very much since you have had this tremedous loss. my heart goes out to you, and your loved ones. i can see that you and Ward have such a beautiful life, and its no wonder... having such an amazing woman as your mom. she lives on in you, and your children. Please know that you are thought of and cherished by so many. Many who you may not even really know. Prayers and sincere symphay being sent your way!
    Ashley Brooks
    aka ashraebrooks
    aka Stone's mom ;)

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  39. oh, sweetie...
    ('pink sky' was the first 2-word phrase my son ever uttered. a pink sky is magical.)

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  40. honey, i'm so sorry.
    carrying you all in my heart
    xx

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  41. I've just found your blog via Mama Craft, (although yours was one of the first blogs I came across when I started blogging five years ago, and then I lost you)

    I wanted to talk about your photos and how incredibly beautiful and poignant and lovely they, and your writing, are, but it is impossible to talk about something like that in the face of what you have just been through.

    I cannot imagine. My heart breaks for you. I don't know you, but the warmth that spills out from you here in this blog, is, I have no doubt, a reflection of all that your mother was, the influence she was in your life.

    Warmest regards to you and your family in this difficult time.

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  42. love and grace and pink skies...

    a beautiful life lived.

    love you.

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  43. Sending you prayers. So sorry for your loss. xoxoxo

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  44. My heart breaks for you. I tell myself, mostly when I am trying to understand my Mom's dementia, to be nice, to love her fiercely as she will be gone soon. I thank you for this post and hope that you will find peace in knowing you were a good daughter.

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  45. Dear girl, you will survive. My mother died much too young when I was in my mid-twenties... The pain of losing her will never leave me, but as the years have passed it has become something manageable. I will always remember the words of a colleague at that time. She said the loss is like a hole in your heart, the edges jagged and rough at first. As time goes by, the edges smooth a bit but the hole will always be there. My heart goes out to you and your family.

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  46. love you friend
    love the truth you tell and that you indeed keep showing up
    you are truly an inspiration
    xo

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  47. Andrea, I am so sorry. You are such a bright light, and having raised you, I know your mom was just as bright. Feel blessed that you loved and were loved, and the love she taught you will live on in your children. And despite all that, I know it still hurts worse than anything. xoxoxoxoxoxo

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  48. My heart is filled with warmth and love. I just know your mom will never not be by your side...

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  49. it's a painful and personal experience
    be strong and be thankful that you are surrounded by your loved ones
    know that your mum will want you to keep smiling too
    when you are ready..
    take care.. hugs

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  50. oh my, you almost made me cry... i am so sorry to hear this. it's really sag and good at the same time, because we know that she's in a better place right now, though all you wished was her to be right next to you laughing and hearing you. i also lost a very close aunt this past june due to the same reasons and it was heartbreaking. but i always feel that she's here in some other way, so... sending my love to you!

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  51. Andrea, you brought tears to my eyes with this post...I had imagined that something was going on but didn't want to think this was what you were going through. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. But no, you didn't lose your mum because, you know it, she will always be around and within you. I am with you in such a difficult moment, with love and hugs xoxo Mariella

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  52. It's the worst. It will be terrible for a long time. Then, one day, it will be a little less terrible. I'm sorry.

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  53. I am so sorry.

    My experience in losing my mom has been that the pain, over time, becomes manageable, but the whole in your heart is just always there. Leave one hand open to joy, as much and as soon as you can, rather than letting grief be so large that it's the only thing you can hold. And it's true, as you are so very much already experiencing, life goes on. It dances on, inviting you to join and allowing you to dance with sorrow but still urging you to dance....

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  54. Darling Woman Whom I've Never Met-

    Bless your dear heart. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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  55. oh loss and love and life having to go on and thank goodness it does but how can it and so many other unspeakable things and why and how and it's all too much and it makes us grateful and confused and humble and small in it all...

    so sorry...
    sending love

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  56. I am a bit of a lurker but have enjoyed your photos and words here and on Instagram for quite some time....please accept my truly heartfelt sympathy on this great loss. I cannot say that the pain ever goes away but I have found it became part of who I am.

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  57. oh dearest heart. Sending you hugs even though you have never met me. Lost my Dad to bone cancer 11 years ago. I understand your anguish. Time does heal some of the pain, and please know I am praying for you and your family.Sending you peace in your hard time. Thanks for being such a bright spot in the world. xoxo

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  58. aww Andrea, i'm so so so sorry to hear this. i don't even know what to say except that i am sorry because i know nothing can make it better except time. Big hugs to you, lady.

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  59. I have never met you. I remember clearly the pictures I did not take of when I lost my dad. But they are still there, sacred and held. Sending prayers Andrea, we are never ever ready to lose our parents. She is, I'm sure remarkable.

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  60. no words to take your pain away. sometimes all you can do is let someone know you hear them. i am listening.

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  61. I am so, so sorry for your loss, my friend. xo

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  62. I'm a reader of your blog and we don't know each other in person, but please accept a hug.

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  63. Blessings on your sweet, breaking heart. Xo.

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  64. I have no words. Except that this is beautiful. And you are loved.

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  65. i lost my dad (in a freak accident) 4 years ago (holy shit has it really been that long) at the age of 23. i feel your pain. and i can tell you two things. 1. that "missing" feeling never goes away. ever. 2. i read (in a book called "this is how") that when someone dies they do not go alone - for they take a piece of you (that being - who you were before you experienced this absolute loss) with them. that gave me comfort and i hope that it does the same for you.

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  66. And then, the imagery speaks louder than the words.
    A piece of you went with her, I know. And that's really
    okay.

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  67. I have tears in my eyes now. I am so so so sorry for your loss! and believe me, I can exactly feel what you are feeling, my mom died a long time ago - when she was younger than I am now. She was only 40 years and yes, I am still missing her, after all these 29 years.... And this will never change. But life goes on and now I know a simply truth: Her life was just ready. That´s all. And yes, this hurts us, who are left behind...but think about this, that your mom must have been a very happy woman. the video what you have made is so beautiful! seems that she smiled a lot. How beautiful. And now she is on a beautiful place. and I believe: we all will see our loved ones again...someday...somewhere....
    sending you a warm and sunny hug from Germany. geisslein

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  68. ;_; I lost my dad in June, my daughter in 2008 and a brother in 1985. None are easy. Their memories and your tribute will live forever, be at peace. God bless...

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  69. sweet andrea, i am so sorry. i, too, have found it so odd, almost shameful, that life just keeps going. we love you.

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  70. andrea, i'm so sorry for your loss <3 she will always be a part of you, and she must have been amazing because YOU are amazing. take your time to grieve. all my best to you and your family.

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  71. I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my mom nineteen years ago and miss her terribly still. I really love the book _Motherless Daughters_ by Hope Edelman. ((BIG hugs!))

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  72. You're in our hearts... More of us than you could know!
    xx

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  73. We don't know each other yet, but I am saddened by your sadness. The separation only exists in the physical sense, and as such, is only temporary. Prayers coming your way. <3

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  74. I wish I had some profound wisdom for you Andrea but I can offer my sincere love and compassion and prayers for peace. xoxo

    xo
    cortnie

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  75. I am so sorry Andrea. So so sorry. <3

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  76. Oh Andrea. I am so sorry to hear this. I wish you peace, and send much love. xoxo

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  77. I'm so very sorry to hear about your loss. I hope you are able to find some peace in this difficult time.

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  78. Saying sorry doesn't even begin to fill the pain, but I'm so so sorry. But I'm so happy that you were there with her for a bit.

    I remember my grandfather at the age of 84 showing me a picture of his mother and then big tears welled up in his eyes and he began to cry. It never leaves you--the death of one's mother. But I like to think that her love never leaves you either.

    xo

    - Dottie

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  79. I don't have wise words. I am sorry doesn't really help, I know. But, I am sorry. I do pray for you and your Dad, your brothers, and your own children and husband. I pray you will all be comforted.

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  80. I lost my mom in January after a 7 year journey with breast cancer. Thank you for helping me feel less alone. XO

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  81. CHANGE OF ADDRESS

    You didn't die
    you just changed shape

    became invisible
    to the naked eye

    became this grief

    it's sharpness
    more real

    than your presence was

    before you were separate to me
    entire to yourself

    now you are
    a part of me

    you are inside my self

    I call you
    by your new name

    'Grief...Grief! '

    although I still call you
    'Love.'

    Dónall Dempsey

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