list forty-three: small things

or, not so small things. getting me through:

1. leaves the color of butterscotch

2. trees that seem to glow

3. the constructing of halloween costumes

4. the holding of the sweetest of babies

5. home-cooked meals from the sweetest of friends

6. stevie wonder records on repeat

7. dark movie theatres

8. daily texts from my dad

9. time in the land of sunshine

10. unexpected packages from friends (filled with thoughtful things that make me cry)

11. rolls of bright-colored crepe paper

12. postcards in my mailbox nearly everyday

13. the shopping for outfits for middle school dances

14. the shooting of many, many polaroids

15. the riding of bikes down tree-lined streets

16. her sterling silver dogwood ring on my finger

17. the last of the pink cosmos

18. ezra's spectacular laugh

19. apple caramel anything

thank you

thank you for the kind words, friends. for all the comments you've left, the emails and texts and cards you've sent. thank you. 

I can think of no better way to repay your many kindnesses than to share a little bit of her with you here. a video tribute put together by me and my brother in those furiously blurry few days before we laid her to rest. a barrage of old photographs and old home movie footage but so much more. so, so much more. her life, her light. my beautiful, amazing mom.

this is a picture I did not take

friends, I lost my mom. a few weeks ago, I lost my best friend. and I know she has a brand new body now, I know she's free from all pain and suffering but I am heartbroken.

this is a picture I did not take:

of us gathered around her bed early, early morning. my dad, my two brothers, holding hands, holding her hands, telling her how much we loved her as she took her last breath.

of the way the light looked in her room that morning, the way it flung itself in slanted shapes across the wall opposite her bed.

of the way the sky turned pink the day we laid her to rest. spectacularly, gloriously pink for just a few short minutes, just before dark. indeed, pink was her color.

what's strange is the way the world just keeps spinning. how everyday is still everyday. kids still need to be fed, laundry still needs to be done, bills still need to be paid. I have jumped right back in because what else can I do? I will tell you, there are moments when the reality hits me and the weight of it nearly brings me to my knees. it's like no pain I have ever, ever known.

friends, I miss my mom.