midnight

december was rough. december fought me at every single turn. certainly the grief was there (will always be there, of that I am sure) but there were other things. the beginning of the sorting of my mother's things. explosive arguments. sleeplessness. endless, endless travel. head colds, head lice. wicked exhaustion. endless going. endless, endless going. I'll tell you, I've never been so happy to see a month (december, my happy month, my birthday month) come to an end.

so we were on the train on new years eve, on our way back home to portland. as midnight approached, we found ourselves somewhere in the middle of the great state of montana, nothing but miles and miles of pitch black save for the glow of the occasional tiny home, the occasional cluster of small town neon. everyone else on the train seemed to be asleep and at 11:59, we were left to count down the seconds on our own, to whisper numbers to each other in the dark. and then, midnight. midnight hit and there it was. relief. in a second, I was flooded with a relief so sweet I could practically taste it. because finally, 2012 had come to an end and the worst year of my life was over.

friends, I am not so naive to think that 2013 holds any sort of magic. I know it won't bring my mom back or undo any of the pain. but it's a new year, a fresh start. and right now, that's enough for me. right now, that's all I really need.

p.s. I would be remiss if I did not mention the above polaroid, which was shot back in december of 2010, at the park near my parents' home in illinois-- it was the last real christmas I spent with my mom, the best christmas, the absolute best christmas of my life.