the first year ever

collage for week #1, from the list

sitting in the parking lot of the grocery store, I watched the people go in and out. there was the man with the slumped posture and sad eyes carrying a bag full of pink carnations. the slick-looking man dressed in chocolate browns from head to toe, smoking a cigar. and the woman with jeans so tight she could barely walk in a straight line. I try to look and really see. and I like to write. when I'm sitting in the car like that, I like to paint a little, paste things. I read. I listen to music. I take photographs. I think about things and I'm quiet.

this is when I am most creative-- in the middle of the afternoon in a parking lot while ezra naps. it's unfamiliar territory to me but I'll take it, I'll take it when I can get it. I used to be a hardcore night owl, the juiciest parts of my creative self only making appearances after the midnight hour. I just can't do that anymore and can barely stand to admit it. every once in a while, I'll feel the surge of something electric and I'll stay up all night to see where it takes me. those impulses are growing dim, though-- as if my brain has a hand on a dimmer switch somewhere inside my head. suddenly, sleep seems like the smart thing to do. sleep is no longer the necessary evil I used to see it as, but the gateway to bright eyes and patience. to health, energy and daytime creativity.

if I have any sort of new years resolution at all, it is to honor that creativity whenever it comes, whatever form it takes. this is the first year in many, many years that I haven't made any real resolutions. because they're almost always the same and by the end of the year, I find that I've won a little, lost a little. I am the queen of breaking even. I have absolutely no intention of breaking those standing resolutions, I'm just not going to make a big deal about them like I always do. for the next 365 days, I'm going to try to work my way through the list. I want to continue to look and see and write, to paint a little, paste a lot. I would like to listen to music and take photographs and think about things and be quiet. and when I'm not in the car waiting for children, I want to move my body (dance) and be loud and joyful.

and sleep.